It has been 3 weeks since I last posted anything on UnBroken. 3 weeks. I told myself I would post multiple things every week, that God has a purpose for me in Houston, and he has given me a message to speak through UnBroken. Then the past three weeks happened. In those three weeks I have felt probably more alone in this city than I have at any other time since I moved here. I had to handle a very unfortunate situation at my job that ultimately led to me quitting due to some ethical disagreements. Nick and I continue to carefully maneuver through some hard family situations. I am bored and lonely, and my anxiety has been back with a vengeance. It has taken me three weeks to realize that yes, there is a lot going on in my personal life, but also, when God begins to use you, Satan really likes to stir things up. For me, that has come more often than I ever like in the form of major anxiety and extreme pessimism. I think everything and everyone is bad and dumb and life sucks. The short version is that is where I have been for the past 3 weeks. I think everyone and everything is bad, and I am a walking bag of anxiety. It also doesn't help that I am preparing to leave for Uganda next week...... Satan always really throws some spice in my life on the weeks leading up to that.
So, here I am, anxious, tired, and negative, but God is still so sweet and knows just how to reach me when I am in the depths. I'm a pretty stubborn person. Nope, scratch that. I am a VERY stubborn person. I am not one to be like "but if not, He is still good." Yes, in my heart of hearts I know that to be true, but I really hate when people say that crap. It just irritates me. Yes, he can be good or whatever, but life sucks sometimes. This is me being completely raw. Take it or leave it. Anyway, yesterday I went to church mostly because Nick made me and I sat there and heard the sermon but I didn't in any way listen to the sermon. When I talked to my mom later in the day, she asked how church was for us and what it was about. I had no idea. I looked at Nick and asked what the heck church was about because I seriously had no clue. He looked at me kinda funny and said, "It was about seeking God when you are in the wilderness instead of just looking for a way out." After he said that, I kinda remembered hearing something about that but not much.
When I woke up this morning, I started my daily routine of doing whatever I want because I have no purpose in life (I'm sure some people dream of living my life, and don't get me wrong, I am so thankful to have the luxury of no worries while I sit and do whatever I want all day every day, but I really LIKE to work. Not working is driving me insane.) I drove to Target and got some stuff for Uganda next week. I made Nick lunch and took it to him at work, I cleaned my house and went through my closet, I talked to my best friend Hope and to my mom, and then I sat. Just sat. That is when God gets me. Every time. The quiet is when He stirs my heart and pushes me. I, for some reason, decided I wanted to listen to our message from church yesterday again, so I pulled it up and started listening. It was like God was speaking directly to me through Curtis Jones's lips. The sermon was based on Psalm 63 which says this:
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.
9 Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.
In Psalm 63, King David is, quite literally, in the wilderness because his son took over his throne and prepared an army to destroy him. So like, in my opinion, that definitely qualifies as a sucky life. My wilderness seems to be Houston. It definitely is not David's situation, but it feels pretty bad to me on most days. In the sermon, Curtis talks about changing our perspective on life when we feel like we are in the wilderness. He challenges us to relentlessly look for God in the wilderness instead of constantly looking for a way out. God is the only one who can deliver us from the wilderness. The way I look at it, we can choose to either be miserable in the wilderness, using every ounce of energy we have to find a way out, or we can use every ounce of energy we have to search for the one who can and does carry us through. So, I guess I'll be searching for my God while I'm out here in the wilderness, will you?